The Adventures of Stephanie Continue

My long lost blog. Hi, Hello. Wow. 

2012 was a lost year for this girl. Since my last post my life is completely different. I started this blog in sort of a bad place. I was not myself last year, and still I am slowly coming out of this funk I was in for far too long. You can see it in some of my last posts, a lot of circumstantial blame, a lot of walls I was putting up. 

After leaving my job at the Salon, I stayed in bed for two weeks straight. I barely moved. I changed my clothes maybe twice. It was the lowest point of my lifelong battle with depression. My grey sheets held me close while my mind unraveled my sense of self. For the first time Stephanie had no plan. 

I was terrified. 

After my two weeks of wallowing self doubt came about a month of self loathing. I am the meanest person to myself. I have never met somebody meaner than when I am talking to myself, especially then. My scared, self-hating attitude shut the world out in a really big way. There were many people in my life kind enough to give me little pieces of worth - and while I accepted, the kindness was on the outside of the wall I was leaning against. 

The story gets drawn out. And eventually I stand against the wall - while a new job opportunity presents itself to me. 

I am working with a group of people that without knowing it, brought me to a place where I have started to tear down this wall. 

I have been working so hard in coming back to myself - and within that, I want to start blogging again. 

On my 24th birthday I made many promises to myself, one of those promises was that I would work on being kinder to my reflection, and many more that I will keep inside for now. 

I have gotten 4 tattoos this year (YAY) and made new friends that finally let me lay some old friendships to rest. I am going at a good pace - join me again? 

I have no idea what I will write about - but I am going to get back to writing. 

Let me reintroduce myself. My name is Stephanie, it is very nice to meet you. 

Update

Well it has been an interesting few weeks I can tell you that much. Steev and I started our date & recipe jars and pulled 'stay in and cook a new recipe' and a spicy chicken curry weight watchers dish. The dish was bland, we decided that if it were s stir fry with some better spices and without the sauce it would be pretty great. So we are going to rework it soon.

We pulled for the next week a trip to the bamboo forest and a braised pork shoulder. We were all set to make it happen when Steev's doctor scheduled him for back surgery. We had pre-op appointments and the surgery was to happen in 4 days from the doctor's appointment. Needless to say - our date jars have been put on hold.

The good thing about that is we will be doubling up once he is healed - 2 adventures a week? Ok, I will take it!

What also has had me sidetracked, is the fact that my Aunt Fran sadly passed away earlier this month.

How awesome is that photo? Seriously, my Dad's sweater is ridiculous but that is my Aunt with her Husband my Uncle Matt (on the left) and my Father (on the right). Aunt Fran unfortunately faced many obstacles in this lifetime. When I was about 9 or 10, she was diagnosed with MS. As her body gave up on her, she did not give up on life. In fact, she was on the dace floor at my wedding! Something she hadn't done in years...

I turned around and when she was there I was overjoyed. Aunt Fran loved to dance, and sing and laugh - her body kept her from a lot, but in that moment it was not holding her back. 

About a year ago, Aunt Fran was diagnosed with aggressive cancer. Don't get me started. If any woman on this planet should be spared of such a thing, it should have been her. Because of the weakness developed by MS, the fight was not won. We lost her. 

It is so strange that funerals also create these wonderful memories. If you have a family like mine, we spend so much concentrated time together after a loss it is impossible not to feel ok for a little while. I think the only thing that gets you through something like this is each other. The funeral was hard. So hard. One of the most heartbreaking days I will ever experience. My Uncle said these beautiful words about his lost love - and he also made us laugh, just like she would have. 

The family I have is one of pure dysfunction filled with skeletons in every closet. A lot has happened to me inside of this family and it has hardened and angered me. I am working on letting go - and hopefully this year brings me and other family members peace because I do love them a lot. My cousins and I will forever remain close, because we promised, and because we keep our promises. 

It has been a doozy so far 2013. Steev is recovering pretty well, today I was supposed to pick up an extra shift at work but due to some kids being sick, and me being sick, I was told to stay home and rest. I love working for real people. 

I am hoping for my last W2 to come in the mail ASAP - Steev and I will file and then hopefully go buy our Prius C (SO EXCITED). 

Also, I think I am going to save up for the BOCES graphic design course, and web design courses - with us relaunching our Event Coordination business, these are skills I think I am in need of. 

Anyway this was a rambling non-cohesive post because I cannot wrap my head around a lot right now. Today will be filled with laundry and cleaning and then a meeting tonight. It is a much needed day for sure. 

And So It Goes

It took me a while to get to this post, a lot has happened over the past two months to set me into some sort of tailspin that for the first time made me bedridden for a few days. The problem is I was not sick, my depression was kicked into overdrive and I let it consume me to the point that my head felt like a lead balloon and my body felt like engine sludge. I was at a point so low I barely can describe what I was even thinking about. 

My Director of Marketing gig ended, under circumstances that I’d rather not display, but circumstances that put me in a place I have never been before. There I lay, unemployed, and for the first time having no plan. I had no plan, nowhere to even look, and looking at myself hurt. I failed myself. There are so many details that daunted me, and I was drained, dormant and dumbfounded that after 4 years of college I had no clue what I wanted to do with myself. 

Upon further examination, I looked into my past aspirations. I sent an e-mail to myself from 'dear future me' a year after I graduated from college from a week before graduation. I told myself that the reason why I wasn't a teacher was because there was so much I wanted to experience, so many places I wanted to work and see and maybe make something of myself out of something totally unexpected. I told myself not to be afraid, and that it will work itself out - and even if I was working a crappy job to keep writing, keep creating, keep being. I broke down. I totally turned my back on myself all because of a series of unfortunate events that led me to a place I saw as a big break, only to find out it would be a big break-up. 

You see, with me, my heart is broken by life more than it is by love. My husband has been by my side for 10 years, and for the first time he did not even know how to be there for me. No matter what life threw at me I'd find a silver lining, keep going, and shake it out. This one flattened me like nothing ever had before. The Titanic sunk, Jack was dead, Rose was heartbroken and I was to blame for not anticipating the iceberg fully. 

After a week I started to stretch every morning, since my neck stopped turning and I had enough of myself. I starting pacing, hooping, staring, still nothing productive. 

Blank. Vacant. Bare. Vapid. 

It was an even plain. Nothing to see, just streamlined space as far as I could see. No breeze, no sign of life or productivity. I was stuck. 

I do not know when this will end. At every turn, I have something else to beat myself up over - like the fact I haven’t taken nearly the amount of weight I wanted to take off this year. Or the fact I did not read as much as I wanted, and I never finished a single damn short story in my series of Moleskins. The more I thought about this year the more devastated I became. The route I always took to get myself out before isn’t working. I can’t get out of bed before 10am. I start a Zumba tape and stop halfway through because I get so angry with myself. These self inflicted injuries are piling up and I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror. 

I guess writing this is my first step to moving on. I guess it is also coincidence that the new year is approaching. 2013 has to be different for me. I don’t always have the best look on odd years, but on odd years I turn an even number - and maybe that will be a great thing. Come March I will be 24 and it will be my last year of my ‘early twenties’. Is this the first time I reveled my true age? Not just ‘twenty something’? Is every twenty something in this same haze of ‘What on Earth Am I Doing With Myself’? Or am I just the only fuck up? 

I am sorry this entry isn’t going anywhere - it represents how I feel about where I am and what is going on for me. It seriously is a crossroads in my life, and thank you to everyone who is reading this - I have been brainstorming for you bloggy blog and honestly I think it may be time for me to become more of a regular writer on here. I seriously enjoyed writing about Jack White and my Aunt Mary. I will be purchasing photoshop in the near future and this Christmas I am getting a new camera and I will start exploring, sharing and becoming more confident on the ground my feet are standing upon. I think 2013 may be the first year that I will be completely open to the new things presented to me - because well, I don’t have much to stand in my way. 

This time, it is war.

Yes I owe Chicago photos and more BUT let’s go for a nice Monday update shall we?

Last week I was in the ER for more stomach pains. This marks the 4^th time I have been sick in a month, meaning off to the ER we go. After 9 hours, an IV and an uninterested doctor I left with a script for Vicodin and a pounding headache.

Yes, I went in with stomach pains and a detailed history of when I have gotten sick this month, what was going on with me biologically, the tests I have already gone through, how the pain was, what was a result of this pain, etcetera etcetera. What did the doctor do? Poke at me, told me I may have Fibromyalgia (was he listening at all?!) told me to drink a gallon of contrast (nope, didn’t finish it) order a CT Scan just to write me a script for a heavy pain killer and send me on my way.

Excusemewhat?!

What just happened? Is that why we have such a prescription drug problem here on Long Island? It is THAT easy to get the hard stuff? Go into the ER with a tummy ache? Get real!

I sat there carefully explaining that I just underwent thyroid testing but my level 17 hydroxyprogestrerone  levels were off and I was ordered an additional blood test. Also my nausea and stomach issues seemed to be happening with my cycle every two weeks (start of period, ovulation, end of period, you get it) and that seemed odd. My thyroid was clean from tests so my level 17 might be my ovaries and maybe the two occurrences are linked and my body is trying to tell me something.

‘It sounds like it could be skeletal’

‘Doctor I just told you about all of these things that are happening with me, do you think the two could be linked’

‘Oh yes you said something about your thyroid, is it hypothyroid? Because your stretch marks indicate a massive weight gain’

‘No Doctor, like I just explained I have gone for thyroid testing –‘

‘And you have an underactive thyroid?’

‘No, everything came back clean –‘

‘Ok so it may be you muscles, I may or may not order a CT get some rest while you wait’

And off he went.

This is the truth. My husband sat in awe over the fact that an ER Doctor just dismissed my claims. Now he knows how us girls are not taken seriously.

I have a very high pain tolerance and the pains I was feeling last Tuesday night were extreme. They hurt like nothing I have felt before. I was doubled over and couldn’t breathe.

So I got no answers, just a script for a painkiller I have no desire to take.

I ripped the script up in front of the Doctor. Told him that it didn’t answer anything, just masked my issues more. He just shrugged and left the room.

8 hours in pain, no answers. I’ve had it with healthcare.

What I do know is this: 3 specialists are being called as soon as I am done typing this. From there 3 appointments will be made. I am getting myself some answers.

Also – I have decided that hi, I’m Stephanie, I am overweight and effing sick of it. My weight it most likely my #1 reason for most of my issues right now. I bought ‘This is Why You’re Fat’ by Jackie Warner and finally cracked it open.

EUREKA!

This trainer, not a Doctor but a trainer is giving me answers. This food, affects this hormone, which burns this fat, which can be elevated by this exercise. Answers. This little book is giving me big answers. Answers I asked during weight watchers, answers I asked on OA forums, answers I knew I could Google but I ate cake instead. Finally someone is talking to me like I am worth the hard work and not a failure because I love junk food. The plan is normal, and doable, and involves variety and realistic expectations and I am SO READY TO KICK ASS.

I have never felt like this before. The ER visit was a major wake-up call:

“Stephanie, nobody is going to help you until you help yourself. “

It’s on.

>>FF

Top of the morning Bloggerverse!

Here I am 23 and sick as a dog. Yes, our vacation to Chicago was cut even shorter by my horrendous stomach bug coming back with a vengeance on our last day of visiting the Windy City. I was sick through my birthday, yesterday, and even today. I hate it. Everything smells and tastes weird when you are sick. I will do a post about Chicago and our apartment painting (YES WE ARE FINALLY PAINTING) later this week.

I think the worst part of being stomach sick is the constant ‘So you’re pregnant?’ that comes from everybody. I kindly told everyone to stop asking me while I go through this whole blood testing drama. But does anyone listen? Nope. It makes me want to break into a zillion pieces every time I see that smirk, that ‘You’ve been sick a lot lately…you sure you’re not expecting?’

Yes, I am pretty damn sure. The last time I was puking I was also ending my period (by the way, WORST). The sickest joke of it all was over this vacation I was supposed to be ovulating – so it would have been a good try – and BOOM illness. Maybe it is a sign there is something wrong – who knows, everything happens for a reason I guess.

This warm winter killed no germs, so my already weak immune system is just gobbling up every illness it can contain to make me sicker. I don’t appreciate it one bit and hope it stops.

The one thing I will take away from this is I haven’t eaten barely anything in the past few days. My ‘This is Why You’re Fat’ by Jackie Warner came in and I am going to break it open today. I am really resisting for some reason. I am clinging to an unhealthy lifestyle because it tastes good. But why else? I am having all of these issues and I want to change myself for the better but I see the healthy recipes and I scoff. I need to change my attitude and fast. I am 89% ready but I know I need that 11% to actually be successful. I think once I am no longer weak I am going to start light exercise. I know if I am doing the work, I am going to want to follow it with being healthy to see results.

I will keep you all posted.

Another successful decision I have made would be what to do with my birthday money. I got some cash, and I was planning on going to Sephora and buying more pretty make-up but I decided to stash it in my jewelry box. Save it. I really want this certain couch from Macy’s. I don’t know why, I just really like it. If I save my birthday cash and if I make any money from my Stella & Dot parties this month I could maybe get that couch by April. I really hope so. I really need to book some trunk shows – hopefully that happens this weekend.

I also made a distinct effort to let certain things roll off of my shoulders lately. It has been a rough battle for me, but I have decided people only hurt you when you let them. If they know they are hurting you and they continue to be hurtful why bother? They truly have no care for you or your feelings so forget it. I do care too much – but I have decided it just is not worth my effort anymore. I also wanted to dig up the past recently – like almost 5 years’ worth of past now by writing a few e-mails. I know those words fall on blind eyes though. So maybe I am finally letting something go. It has been a while.

But, getting into that will also dig up blogging past (livejournal, meet wordpress). I don’t want to backtrack – only forward walking happens from here.

Look for my cute entries with pictures this week (not many photos of me, since well, I was sick). But the apartment is shaping up to be super cute – I think I will document my Stella & Dot launch on Friday too. Watch out, you’re going to get a big dose of Stephanie soon!     

11 Random Things!

I was so pumped last night to see the little blue birdie at the top on my Blackberry telling me that I was in a Twitter mention from Corinne and that it was a post like this! My history with Corinne is so funny, she was friends with my husband in high school and when my 14 year old self was a Livejournal addict I followed her and ever since we have been connected via internet & blogs. Because I am newer to the current Blog scene I am going to extend the rules to Facebook so I can tag more friends! But anyway here we go!

There are five rules:

1. Post these rules.

2. Post a photo of yourself and 11 random things.

3. Answer the questions set for you in the original post.

4. Create 11 new questions and tag people to answer them

5. Go to their blog/twitter/facebook and tell them you've tagged them.

11 random things:

01. That photo was taken in Salem Mass. where we have gone for Halloween two years in a row now. It is so fun, and I love it there. I sometimes wish we could move to the town in New Hampshire that we stay in when we go. It is 20min to Salem and 30min to Boston and a cute relaxed town. We are tied to Long Island forever (or for at least 30 years) with Steev’s job on the LIRR but I can’t complain because that is a great job and I am so blessed.   

02. I’m 5’5. Most people think I am taller while some people (especially ones that I work with) realize my average height when I cannot reach the top shelf of some places. I like being 5’5, but when I was younger every doctor I ever went to said to my parents ‘She will most likely hit 6’0’ and then I just stopped growing. I am the shortest one out of my family of four. 

03. I get bored very easily. I don’t know what it is about me, but hobby and career wise I just get antsy. I can commit in a relationship (obviously, been married since 14) but I cannot commit to a hairstyle or lifestyle. I am stubborn as all hell but I am constantly changing my life goals as the wind blows. I must say though - the experience I have gained through these ventures is unbelievable and I would not take it back at all. At least I am going in some direction and not just sitting around trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, I am going for anything that sparks my interest full force - I mean why not?

04. Every day I think about enrolling in some grad school classes. I wouldn’t go full time - maybe a class or two a semester. I think about it just for me, so I can say ‘I have a Master’s Degree’ but I am enjoying my break from school work. Maybe when I have kids and they start going to school I will enroll again in the Events Off Season - who knows - we shall see. 

05. My ultimate goal with Create New Occasions (my event planning business) is to open a bridal boutique that I will name after my future daughters (if I have any). I want to carry beautiful affordable gowns that fit indie brides to princess brides and I will have the most killer accessories. As much as I hate the retail world, I want this so bad for some reason. A design studio upstairs for event planning, a boutique downstairs. I want it as my business and I am really excited about making it happen. 

06. I handle rejection horribly. Which is the reason I don’t sing in public anymore and quit acting. I really have a need to be appreciated and accepted, and I shut myself out of circles that I feel even a twinge of rejection from - it is just the way I have always been. 

07. I love animals and could never live without a pet. My dog Annie is the greatest. She is like a person. She sits on the couch and watches TV, always wants to go for a ride in the car, greets us with a huge yawn that sounds like hello. Wants to eat at the table (I’m not kidding) and sleeps on her back on our bed. I love her so much, pets just complete a family. Right now Annie is freaking out that I am not sitting with her on the couch like I do every morning. She is so confused!

08. I have been blogging since 14 and have had so many personal URLs it is ridiculous. It all started with Xanga and then I was on Livejournal from 8th grade-Freshman Year of College. I got suspended about 6 times from Livejournal for ‘spamming’ for Rating Communities (I can’t handle rejection but would submit my awkward teenage self to the worst ridicule ever on the internet, pre Formspring and anon Tumblr attacks). I posted a ton of photos plus surveys to boot and would post shitty things that would start catty fights in my group of friends. I honestly hate that part of my formal self. My group of friends in high school, we had a lot of great times but we didn’t treat each other well at all. Now I don’t speak to any of them, and it killed me that only 2 were at my wedding - but I have reached out in the past. Everything happens for a reason, but I just wish this happened differently. 

09. I am the heaviest I have ever been and I am pretty ashamed of myself. I understand that it could be something medical (as I have been posting about) but nonetheless when I get home from Chicago I am making huge changes in my diet and lifestyle. It has to change. To be 22 (almost 23) and this unhealthy was never in my cards. 

10. When I was in High School I had a specific map for myself as to where I was going to walk to my locker (I would loop around the whole school) just so I can listen to at least 3 uninterrupted songs on my iPod, or Discman or whatever I had to listen to. Without that I would have no backbone for high school. Walking past all of those people every day still plagues me. I realize I had very little friends. I sometimes wish I got to know more people, but then I grow resentful - they also did not try to get to know me. There is this one time I wore a 1940’s inspired tan suit with a brown fedora to school. Freshman year of high school. I was excited, I loved it and I remember a specific girl as I walked past her scream to her friends ‘ARE YOU SERIOUS? WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER AND WHAT IS SHE WEARING? MY MOTHER WOULD NEVER EVEN WEAR THAT! ISN’T SHE EMBARRASSED? WELL I AM THAT I HAVE TO LOOK AT HER - I SERIOUSLY HOPE EVERY DAY SHE JUST STOPS SHOWING UP TO SCHOOL, THAT WOULD MAKE ME SO HAPPY IF SHE DIDN’T EXIST” This girl most likely doesn’t remember it at all. She thought I had walked away but once I heard her yelling I stayed around the corner. I was so hurt that someone that did not know me at all wished I didn’t exist. Hey kids - it does get better I promise. 

11. Going along with that - I am not myself unless I am dressed the way I want to dress. I have always been into fashion risks - like statement bags or jewelry, purple lipstick (which I loved for this Winter), lip transfer tattoos, fascinators on my head, you name it. I always just had a knack for doing something slightly different, and I am not ashamed of that at all. 

11 Questions from Corinne:

1. What's your desert island album? I am a lover of music, honestly. But this is a no brainer for me. River of Dreams by Billy Joel. I know it sounds cliche because I am from Long Island but hear me out. This album got me through so much growing up, and River of Dreams is my favorite song of all time. I could not live without this record, it is a part of me. 

2. If you could bring life to any fictional character and spend a day with them, who would you choose? Duh, Holden Caulfield. I am madly in love with this boy (Steev’s personality is slightly Holdenesque) and I would want to hang out with him and just hear him speak. I plan on naming my first son after him. If he was busy being Holden I would want to talk to Caddy Compson from The Sound and the Fury and get her side to the whole damn mess. 

3. Describe your perfect day off: Days off for me are enjoyed with my plans. I know I am one of those that yearn for days like this: I stay in bed until about noon, not sleeping but reading, watching TV, on the laptop doing work. I get dressed and take my dog for a nice long walk. Then I get home, shower, don’t bother with my hair or make-up and hang around the house working on personal projects like my scrapbooks, blogging, journaling, painting, anything recreational. Then I’d cook dinner for when Steev gets home (I also, like to be alone sometimes) and we would have a nice night in. There - perfect boring day. While I do love going into the city, exploring the island, antiquing...I also love being able to have a ‘nothing’ day. 

4. What is your favorite thing that you've made with your own two hands? This is tough but I would say my Wedding Album. I am not finished - I am actually going to start working on part 2 when I get home from my vacation, and the first one I finished before fixing a lot of the photos (don’t ask). But I am really proud to say I have made this special keepsake for us. The albums that are made out there are beautiful, and if we had a better photographer I might have considered one - but I am so proud to say ‘I made this’ and giving an album to my in-laws and soon my parents just made me so proud, like ‘I did this for you, thank you for everything, here are some beautiful memories’. 

5. Tell me your standard coffee or tea order: This is seasonal: Spring into Summer: Venti Iced Soy Cinnamon Dolce Latte no whip Fall: Venti Hot Pumkin Spice Latte with whip Winter: Venti Hot Gingerbread Latte with whip, into Venti Hot Soy Cinnamon Dolce Latte 

6. Tell me about the toppings on the pizza of your dreams: I am so boring when it comes to pizza. I like extra sauce and extra cheese - that’s it!

7. Which nationalities are you comprised of? I am a Grade A American Mutt! Yes sir! I am: Irish, Scottish, English, Russian, French, Dutch, With hints of Spanish and African (yes, there is rooting in my mom’s gums that are found genetically in African American’s which leads me to believe we are a little bit of everything) German and I think that is all. I am really proud of this - I normally just answer ‘American’ because my family got around. My dream is to have a gay son who adopts multicultural children with his husband so my legacy leads on as a beautiful patchwork of everything diverse. Who knows, we may even adopt if it came down to it, you never know! 

8. What kind of sheets do you have on your bed right now? 500 thread count ivory Martha Stuart sheets from Macy’s. 

9. Favorite band? Will forever be The Cure

1. Do you have any tattoos or piercings? ‘Life is Beautiful’ is written across my feet and I have two swallows holding thistles on my calf. I have my ears pierced and I had my nose pierced for two years and then I took it out about 2 weeks ago. Over it. I miss it sometimes, but it is all good. I am more of a tattoo person. 

11. What is your favorite season and your favorite thing about that season?: Spring. I hate how short it is but spring is new life. Everything that died in the winter comes back in Spring because Persephone comes back to see all things beautiful (if you understand that reference I applaud you). I just love it, I love how cold becomes warm, brown becomes green, flowers shyly stretch from their long slumber. Spring is just perfection to me, it truly signifies a fresh start. 

Questions for you:

1. What is you favorite physical feature about yourself?

2. What is you favorite characteristic about yourself?

3. What is your favorite curse word?

4. What is the worst dream you ever had? 

5. Describe a perfect date:

6. What is something on your bucket list? 

7. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?

8. What is the best gift you ever gotten?

9. What is something you secretly hope for? 

10. What does your dream home look like? 

11. If you could say 'I'm Sorry' to one person right now, who would it be? 

Tag you're it! Felicia, Kenny, Marianne, Chelsie, Becca, Max, Alyssa, Katie & my two blog followers besides Corinne Michelle & Katrina! :) If you don't have a blog post it as a note on Facebook!