Project 365 (367) In Review - Our First Year Married

I know I neglect this blog terribly and I always say I am going to update more but it most likely will not be the case. What you can count on are some updates here and there that have a ton of sentimental value or importance since blogging has always been something that I do. The other day, my Husband and I reached our 1 year wedding anniversary. Something I did every day for the past year was take a photo, upload it onto Facebook and write about what we did for the day. Now, I am a self proclaimed Social Media junkie. For some reason I know these sites inside and out and while some people turned their noses up at my Project 365 (which was really project 367) I got a lot of love from the people whose newsfeeds I have been crashing for the past year. Now that year one is over I decided to recap about our first year of marriage. 

It all started with this:

We’re married. My cousin JP took this photo during our last dance (Billy Joel’s Two Thousand Years) and it made me so happy. Me singing to Steev, we are both disheveled from a night of intense dancing and all around love from our family. Honestly our wedding was talked about so highly from our family and friends it made me feel so good because that is all I wanted. An event where everyone comes together and shares a common interest in being there for a young couple getting married. It was wonderful, and beautiful and we left The Westbury Manor buzzing. One thing that didn’t happen on our wedding day is I didn’t use the bathroom all night. I went before the ceremony but not during the night at the 500 Shirley Temples I consumed caught up with me as we loaded into the vintage Bentley which was our getaway car. I honestly almost peed myself. Holding onto the sides of the car we told to driver to find anything open so that the bride could relieve herself (classy). Barefoot in a Wedding Dress I ran into a diner and everyone inside clapped for the bride who just yelled ‘BATHROOM’. Somehow I managed to pee by myself and the hostess made me catwalk after the episode and I came back outside laughing with Steev. My biggest advice to brides: Pee before you hit the road. 

After the wedding day buzz, we boarded a plane and flew to Paris. 

We’ll always have Paris and the fact that it was all a year ago makes my heart hurt. This was the most beautiful, serene place and I absolutely adored every moment that we spent there. I miss it everyday. The food, the people, the art, the culture - it all meant so much and 2 weeks was not enough. The Ritz treated us like royalty and gave us a night I will never forget. I cried walking into the Ritz overwhelmed that our Honeymoon was over and at the beauty of the place and when we left because I just did not want to leave. Paris was magic. 

We landed home tired but excited to share Paris with our families. We loaded into my parent’s van with my Brother & Mother and a sentence into the first story the phone rang. 20min back in the states, our 14thth day married and we got the most heartbreaking news - Nanny, Steev’s beloved maternal grandmother was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. Immediately all the air was sucked out of our universe as we deflated into nothing. We couldn’t even remember where we were or that two weeks ago we got married, all I knew is that I never saw that look on Steev’s face and as a new wife, I wasn’t prepared for it. I almost stopped Photo of the Day all together but Steev told me to keep going. Years aren’t always about the good things after all. At first we thought we would have Nanny for a while longer - but Cancer is fast, furious and unforgiving and in 4 short months she was gone. In these 4 months sometimes weeks went by where I had to Google image some photos - it was hard to document days where a lot of it was just sitting at the table, staring at each other while we tried to figure it all out. Steev and I have been together 9 years total and we never went through anything like this. Within these 4 months:

-We made our Honeymoon scrapbooks 

-Bought a 1963 Mercury Comet 

-We went to Salem for Halloween

-We saw the Foo Fighters at MSG 

-Steev turned 25

this all served as good distraction. The week Nanny left us I did stop taking photos and filled the week with her. She was one of the most beautiful women you will ever see. 

It was heart wrenching - and honestly I felt so helpless. I had experienced death before, I have a grieving routine (I violently cry and scream while in the car so I can get through wherever I am going to without breaking down and some other things). Steev and his family hadn’t. I know in order to get through it you have to go through it but I just wanted to take it all away. It killed me to see my new family in such pain and it breaks my heart over and over. I knew Nanny since I was 14 - in that time I spent a lot of moments with her that I consider special for myself. Steev saw her practically every day of his 25 years. I couldn’t grasp why or how and still it blows my mind that she isn’t with us anymore. The day after she passed we went to MSG to see the Rangers because Steev got tickets for his birthday. We almost didn’t go. But we knew how upset Nanny would be if we did not (Nanny loved The Rangers). The Rangers won 6-1. I cried the whole game. The victory at least blanketed our loss, we were going to be ok, even if a part of us was missing. It is hard to really go into any more detail because of how hard it was and how much we still miss her and how we are still grieving - it doesn’t get better, it just gets different. 

After that, came Christmas. 

Still heavy with loss, we celebrated Christmas. My first Christmas as a Wife, I cooked a ton of holiday ham, homemade scalloped potatoes and white asparagus and I had a great time doing it. Apparently it was a hit and I am excited to do it again this year. It was really great under the circumstances and everyone being together made things feel a little more normal. We were going to be ok. This was Christmas Eve, Christmas Day we spent with The Ryan/Dowling Clan which was equally as calming and special. We lucked out as a couple, his family grew up with Christmas Eve, we grew up with Christmas Day, we never have to split time which is nice. 

Something that came out overall great this year: tons of Cousin Bonding. TONS! My family is very big, and we have an abundance of cousins. Cousins are like built in best friends and a great part about it now is we are all around the same age and some of the youngins are growing up and we had a ton of opportunity to all be together this year which was incredible. Steev comes from a smaller family - but my cousins called him a cousin from the day we were engaged and it was really fun to spend time with all of them this year. Here is a photo from our city trip in December:

New Year’s Eve is always my favorite and was tame this year. We went to Tracey’s to hang with the cousins and then back next door (by the way, ‘next door’ means my in-laws house) to watch the ball drop. We hoped 2012 would bring us some peace. 

But it did not. 2012 started with Steev being sick, going to the doctors and having an endoscopy. While he turned out to be ok, the stress of having a sick Husband was something I did not expect. Living with Steev before getting married alleviated the ‘transition’ stress that the first year of marriage typically brings. Our first year brought big life stresses that did not really strain our bond, it just strained us as people. I did not feel like a wife until the doctor called me into the room as he was waking up. That walk was heavy and I was suddenly aware that I was wearing a hooded sweatshirt and shaking because my Husband was just under and now I watch him wake up and it was so scary even if it was so minor. 

Steev waking up was one of the funniest moments of my life. 

“I play for the New York Rangers” 

he said 

“I scored a hat trick but we lost, 6-3, my goals were the only goals on the map. They said I could keep playing. They said I was good! You were there!” 

I laughed. The nurse laughed too. When the doctor came in to tell me what was wrong Steev asked him if he was concussed and if he was well enough to play the next game - and then thanked him for stitching up his lip (from where the puck hit him). The doctor played along, and when they sat Steev up he was upset because he was comfortable and then asked to bring the anesthesia home because it served him well as far as sleep went. When we got home Steev had no recollection of this conversation. 

After a big sigh of relief that he was ok - my health started to give me issues. Blood tests and hospital visits (from hell) I am still undergoing tests to figure out what is wrong with me. At least I haven’t had a great deal of issues recently (knock on wood) but it has been a hellish year when it comes to our health. 

Also, big changes: my jobs. People always make fun of my for my life decisions like having 8,000 different interests, hobbies and jobs but I pity people who are too afraid to just follow their instincts and just go for whatever comes their way. We are in a recession, life is short, why not just go with the flow?  We launched Create New Occasions, Addictions was sold then went under, I served 2 weeks as a telemarketer (which obviously is not a good fit) and now I am the Director of Marketing over at Sivana Salon in St. James and I couldn’t be happier. And oh yes, I also am a Stella & Dot Stylist. The one downfall to this was at Addictions I was making a decent wage and when it got sold my pay was cut by more than half. This lead to our personal finances to dwindle. At least now we are able to start building again. 

It was also an interesting year for cars. We obtained the badass Comet, but my Jeep, my wonderful awesome Jeep died, Steev’s Caliber became too stressful to upkeep so we wound up with 2 lemons that we pray will get us from point A to B everyday.

We also traveled this year. Paris, Salem, Philly, Chicago and Rhode Island. I was so happy that we got to get out and go places this year. The Winter Classic was one of the BEST first year married memories. With Nicole (and sick Steev) we went to Philly to watch the Rangers Winter Classic LIVE and what a game! I had no voice, Steev was shot and poor Nicole dealt with her sick friends during her vacation. It was amazing though and something I will NEVER forget. 

Another cool part of this year: Thursday BBQs and friends. We made some new friends which makes me happy. Big Steve’s family and us became closer which is great because they are great people and Steev & I started to get into the habit of having people over. This is something we will upkeep because we like to entertain a lot. We work a lot, and we don’t have a ton of money to show for it, so burgers and dogs with some good friends over makes for fun that we can truly enjoy. 

I also had my first Italian Easter over at Rose & Pats and it was delicious! I love that family too, and hope that this year brings more visits with them as well. 

Annie played a big role in Photo of the Day because well we love her. She is the best dog ever and when I would forget to take a photo she was always a good model. Plus she truly is a big part of our day to day lives. 

Some other noteworthy things: 

-We painted most of the apartment and started to slowly redecorate (again, the money thing) 

-We did a Photo Shoot with LoveMorePhoto which was amazing

-Mallory joined the Air Force and seeing her off made us so proud 

-Tino left for school in Georgia 

-My cousin Krystal became a Doctor 

-My cousins Alyssa & Evan graduated high school

-Their graduation party was a killer time 

-Sam Pape, my roomie had a baby girl of her own

-Steev went to AC with Big Steve & Tim 

-The photo wall 

-Meeting Andy Cohen with Liz and getting a horrible photo

-We eat a lot of Chinese Food

-The Tattoo Convention 

-Mark & Anne got Married and are expecting!

-Uncle Lou turned 50 and he got a Butt Cake 

-Demetri Martin Live 

-Home & Home Knicks & Rangers at MSG 

Steev also became obsessed with Craigslist and acquired the tools to fix up our backyard. He built a deck which came out amazing but he didn’t stop there. With the help of my Father, Ranger Bob, my cousin Dave, My Poppop, Big Steve & Phil the Patio was born and it is really amazing. It has been so great to have this in our backyard and we are so happy with it. The apartment as a whole started becoming more adult, and more like a home. 

This was also a good year for tattoos. Dan Lavery our tattoo artist opened his own shop in Smithtown and we were so excited for him. Liberty Tattoo Company is a clean and awesome up to date studio and it was extremely exciting to get work done there. Surprisingly due to lack of funds Big Steve & my cousin Alyssa beat us to getting work done there. Alyssa though was a first timer and a trooper and got this gorgeous Sunflower piece and I love it!

Steev eventually got to get something done and Dan drew up a remake of one of our Lovemore Photos and it is my new favorite piece on Steev’s arm!

Once I hit some of my personal goals I will be getting more ink, for now, I am just saving the money until then. 

Overall the first year of marriage treated us well I would say. We learned a lot, and while life was not fair or kind or forgiving - we were with each other, and that is all that mattered. There were things that we thought would happen this year: house, baby, more stability. But those things slipped away from us and while there is no rush, we are focused on obtaining the life and the family we want. 

Over our Anniversary dinner at The Grande we discussed all of this - and set some goals for our 2nd year married:

-Get healthy, this will be a year for nutrition and fitness and you can hold us to that

-Stay organized, between money and our apartment we want to stay as organized as possible 

-Go on more dates, even if it is just driving around, just spend more time doing little things

-Entertain more, have more people over more often 

-Buy a reliable car, currently our 1963 Comet is the most reliable car we have

-Go visit family, a Florida & Upstate trip this year may just have to happen 

-Cook more, we got married and stopped cooking. 
-Actually take more photos every day - we didn't get many group shots or pictures of people together. Too much slipped away. 

Hopefully we will make good on all of those things. 

We also went over a few things we learned: 

-When you break your vows and go to bed angry, you have a weeklong headache 

-Not having money sucks

-No matter what we still experience new things together, we still are there for each other and at the end of the day we come out stronger than ever and instead of fighting through hard times, we remind ourselves that it is only darkest before the dawn
-We have the best families on earth. As screwed up as things can get we have two sets of parents that love us and are there for us no matter what and we are very lucky we also enjoy their company and we won't take that for granted 

When I asked Steev how he felt about Project 365 being over he responded ‘Keep it going’. I was shocked. He is the first person to complain about photo of the day since he hates photos and I make him take ‘stupid ones’ (his words). He then told me that once he was looking through a shoebox of photos I had with my scrapbook stuff and he found some random photos of him shoveling snow, and some of flowers, and some candids of our families at random times. I take about 200 photos at each event and then make prints of all of them, put them in albums, ect. Sometimes random shots make a box. My Husband said it made him so happy to see these random photos because he started to remember some random things that he wouldn’t have thought of. He liked having photo of the day and wants to keep going. While this surprised me it made me happy. This is exactly why I did Photo of the Day. The year wasn’t all good, not in the least. But seeing what we did, who we were with, put it all in perspective. Life doesn’t ever stop for anyone so you have to keep going - and having photos from every day truly shows your endurance to whatever and also captures some fun times. I have always been an insanely sentimental person. Small things really matter to me and I always am thinking about others. I like to do silly things like scrapbook and journal because that is who I am. I am nostalgic and playful and I am sick of apologizing for it so photo of the day is here to stay :) some things really would have gone unnoticed otherwise. We really got to see who was a part of our year in big and small ways and through it all - it came down to us being there for each other. Hopefully some things change, like us having internet access on a daily basis and our bank account growing. And hopefully others stay the same like Annie’s devotion to us and Sundays with our families. I have posted this quote before but I want to end this post with it because it matters. My best friend gave it to me in a frame once because she thought of me when she read it - and she hit the nail on the head: 

So onto next year, who knows what will happen next :)

An Open Letter to One Million Moms

Today I have been feeling a little glum. I have a lot on my plate and I saw a post on Perez Hilton about One Million Moms at it again against JC Penny. 'Pennies' (as I grew up calling it) put a picture of a happy family flouncing in floral in their catalog. Normal right? Well OMM is angry because the parents of this flouncing floral family are two women. They want is to harass the poor store managers at JC Penny about the 'disgrace' they are. In my opinion, the 'threat' to 'traditional family values' has nothing to do with sexual preference and everything to do with the state of the current nation.

So, sitting with my thoughts I wrote a simple letter and sent to to One Million Moms and the American Family Association. I know it falls on deaf ears, but I wanted to throw my two pennies at this issue. I decided to also post it here on my blog because well, I can.

"An Open Letter to One Million Moms

While I understand any attempt to open your minds and hearts may go unnoticed and nonetheless unappreciated I feel compelled to write to you for some reason that I cannot explain. I recently became aware of your organization during the JC Penny 'scandal' in which you called for JC Penny to 'restore your faith in them' by firing their new spokesperson Ellen Degeneres. To my elation JC Penny did not succumb to your bullying and kept Ellen in tact, she is a fabulous human being in my opinion and I love seeing her going strong in her career. Just today I saw another one of your gripes with JC Penny. In their catalog a loving joyful family is being depicted. Everything on the page is pleasant, colorful and happy. Your problem is that the parents in this spread happen to be two women. This, to you, threatens 'traditional family values' and you call for more harassment of the department store.

Before I go any further, I'd like to tell you about myself. I am 23 years old and newly married to my husband. We had been dating since we were kids in high school. You can say we are an 'all American couple' blue blood in our veins and pride in our hearts. We rent a nice simple apartment from a family member and adopted the cutest and sweetest dog in the world. We want to have a ton of children and to live in a modest house for our own piece of The American Dream. This all sounds great right? A heterosexual union producing more kids in a pseudo nuclear situation - it sounds like how things are supposed to be.

But it isn't.

My husband and I work all of the time to pay the bills and to obtain a normal routine. He has a steady, great job with wonderful health care benefits. I on the other hand went to college and earned my Bachelor's Degree. Yes, I was so proud of myself and after graduation my best friend and I decided we would build our own business. In the meantime we would work day jobs to pay the bills and to go forward. My husband and I had a nice savings that we would continue to build to buy that modest home.

Soon into this bubble the sky fell and the savings got chipped away at. One big medical bill here (hey, we have health insurance right?), one car dead over there life began to happen. Building a business in a recession isn't easy, especially when you face unemployment in your day job. Now, the savings is being suffocated and the dream of home ownership moves farther and farther away. The economic structure of America no longer supports its Dream.

On top of that, having children in a one bedroom apartment with possible PCOS on the bill of health also threatens our little family. Every day goes by, we work, we come home, we look at each other to see what kind of money we have to buy what food that will last us the longest. This recession sucks for everyone and many people have it a lot worse than us, but still we struggle to get by.

Many people will shrug at this story 'he should work 2 jobs, she should give up on that business, make more money, buy a bigger house, acquire more debt' but we are trying to hold onto that small piece of what we truly want so we don't get anymore lost than we already have. It seems the only way for us to own that modest house is to win the lottery, but I'd most likely get struck by lightening first.

Now, going back to your problem with a same sex couple in the JC Penny catalog threatening your traditional family values - I think that is a hack. The recession is more of a threat to your children than any homosexual would be. Two women raising a family has no direct affect on you or your values, but not being able to afford a wedding for your daughter and her fiance and watching them struggle while renting a small apartment is.

JC Penny realized the threat of the recession to American Family, they lowered their prices and kept the quality. They understand the true threat that is upon us and decided to keep up with the times and create a warm shopping environment that allows back to school clothes for every budget. On top of that, they depict regular families. Family's come in all different colors and configurations. We learn that in kindergarten.

We also learn that judging people based on their color or creed is also wrong. Now it is time to expand that to sexuality. Two men sharing a bottle of wine and watching a movie on a Friday night should not interrupt your family values. It should enforce them. Two humans committed to a life of love and companionship have every right to raise a family regardless of their sex. Plus, what happens in somebody else's house is none of your business.

As One Million Mothers, maybe you should teach your children what truly threatens their future. A declining economy, dishonest people, and hatred. We never talk about violence in relationships - that is actually really threatening to family values. But instead of teaching our boys and girls to love honor and respect each other, we teach them to target the 'immoral' homosexuals because their unions are 'wrong' because a religion or a 'feeling' tells you to. Instead of explaining that love comes in all colors and genders we stick to the impossible illusion of perfection that was drawn up ages ago. We buy everything on credit cards to keep up while we fall farther and farther behind. We don't fight for health care research or ending violence instead we steady our hand at the next target.

We create organizations that harass other organizations that are just trying facilitate the ever evolving American Dream.

Because we are in America, you have every right to your opinion. I just hope you realize that you are missing the mark. The more energy you put into taking down loving relationships the more energy you take away from actually making a positive change for your children's futures. You have gained so much attention by having meltdowns about homosexuality in the media and I know that makes you proud. But what truly positive comes of that? You teach the world that whoever has the biggest stone to throw makes the biggest impact, regardless of the message. You could do a lot of good in the world, you could raise awareness for young women about abuse in relationships. Or you could work on the self esteem of our youth which seems to be depleting even more than out economy. But we all know what you do instead.

Sometimes I get so upset. I have a Mother. One day I hope to be a Mother and I hate to share that title with your organization. I know that when I am a Mother, my children will be unafraid to love whoever they want. They will be able to openly communicate with me about any relationship. I cannot keep them safe from the narrow minds out there. I cannot keep them safe from organizations such as yours that threaten my personal values. I just hope I will be able to afford that roof over their head to keep them safe from everything else.

I hope you all have a lovely season and learn to open your hearts to the possibility of beauty in everything.

Stephanie Coiro

One Million Humans"

Love Letter To My Body

On Black Friday 2011 Shameless Pin-ups and Glamour Portraits ran a contest for a free photo shoot. What did you have to do? Write a love letter to your body. I was mortified. I wanted another photo shoot but liking my body was never my thing. So I sat, and I thought, and I wrote. While I did not win, I still felt really great about what I wrote. After reading this article this morning, I wanted to share my letter and maybe ask for some of yours in return. First, comment on this article (yes the one I read today) to contribute to this awesome idea. And then comment on my post with your own letter. I want to see how many women we can get to take a look at themselves with pride!

So without further ado, the Love Letter to my Body:

"To be honest body, you and I have never truly seen eye to eye. In fact, I expect too much from you even when I am not doing my part. You and I should work together more often, because we are rumored to make a great team – in fact I wouldn’t be much of anything without you. In order to properly apologize I wanted to write you a letter spelling out the words that I seem to lose whenever I think of you – the words that I should never lose. While sometimes we may not get along, we have been through a lot together.  So part by part, it is time to appreciate you.

Feet, you grew before the rest of me did. As an elementary school kid with a size 10 foot, acting my shoe size was an appropriate saying. Without you feet, as I grew the rest of me would most likely tip over. Feet I have jammed you into heels that made you look fabulous but feel terrible and you have always kept me grounded. As my anchors, you have walked me through many hard times. You have felt the bottom of the ocean on the East and West Coast of the United States. You led me through the streets of Paris as a newlywed. On my 20th birthday you also read ‘Life is Beautiful’ when I remember first position from the days you graced ballet floors. You are the bottom of my pair of legs. These legs have picked you up and kept you moving when you were tired. In fact legs, you are deserving of some praise too. Sure calves I have cursed you for not fitting into every pair of boots that I have wanted to buy, but I can’t blame you for just wanting to breathe. I also decorated you with some artwork, it reminds me of a time I finally felt free and independent. You remind me how strong I am legs, for it is you that really keeps me standing. Even when my knees are weak from happiness or buckle under pressure, my Grade A American thighs never topple over. Those thighs lead into a torso which I don’t deserve to even speak to.

Torso, you have every right to be hurt over how I treat you. I am extremely hard on you and I don’t give you a lot of credit. But, you are just as strong and deserving of my love than my other body parts. Torso, you held up my wedding dress – that heavy strapless sensation of a gown that locked in with stern boning all around you. You did not fail me, or complain as you dazzled the evening showing off the gown that I married the man of my dreams in. My mother when I was young told me never to expect to fill out a bra – it just doesn’t run in our family. But to my surprise torso, you have graced me with some cleavage that I can be proud of. On the other side hides you back. You have never lied down to take any nonsense and you have always been there to have yourself. Even if a figurative knife has been jabbed into you once or twice, you have always healed and told my heart to follow suit. Shoulders, you carry the weight of the world atop of you but you always seem too proud to acknowledge this. I know this because my collar bone protrudes in only a way that prideful shoulders would let them. I notice these subtle details of character that you give me torso, and for that, I thank you. The arms that grow from these proud shoulders have hugged, have lifted and have been crossed. Arms, you are as animated as the stories I tell. You may not be as proudly pronounced as my shoulders, but you are fearlessly whacky. Whether you are flailing to loud music or resting at my sides, you also have the job of moving my hands Maybe we should have played piano hands, with your long delicate fingers we should have listened. Hands you are most likely the only part of myself that I would consider delicate. But hands, you do carry out all of the responsibilities when I write. My brain and you have always been on good terms while I blog or journal. Maybe one day we will carry out that novel I have been promising you. Without these limbs I wouldn’t be able to hold onto anything. I wouldn’t be able to create.

To top my ode to you off body I want to thank you for my face. Growing up as a girl on Long Island I was teased just like many other girls like me. Girls who grow in elementary school and then stop – so you are tall when everyone else is short, and short when everyone else is tall – know how this is. Most of the time, this also means acne, bushy eyebrows and a prolonged gooney phase while your parts are all trying to catch up with each other. For a long time face, you and I were at odds. But now, I have finally gown into you. Face your lips are scarred due to chance meeting between them and a coffee table at age six. But you healed into these full and shaped lips that line my mouth and can pull off any shade of lipstick. Don’t think I don’t notice you cheekbones. You are so high that when I part my lips to smile they make my eyes small crescent shape openings that never fail to sparkle. Eyes, you are a mahogany color that I totally always take for granted. You also give me sight. I have seen babies smile, the sun rise, and many momentous things that may seem small. Not every face has eyes with vision – we are one of the lucky ones. The nose on you face is adorned by a tiny jewel and allows everyone who looks at you know that we have some Irish in us. The ears on either side of you are small and lopsided. And nobody can deny that a great head of hair crowns you. Sometimes the hair on you is brown, but for now – we will keep it red.

All in all body we have been through it all together. We have seen a size 4 all the way to a size 14 backwards and forwards. Sometimes I hold this against you and put pressure on you to be a size you are clearly not at the moment – and I apologize. You are just responding to what we are going through at the time and I know that you are much more than the size you wear. In fact you are the shield to everything that keeps me working on the inside. Hopefully one day you will be what carries my future children. You amaze me body with everything I expect you to do and be even after how hard I am on you and where I take you. I want to feed you and treat you as well as I can – while still letting you have a little fun also. Body, you take me dancing, you hold the vocal chords that allow me to sing and speak my mind. You are covered in fair skin and you essentially hold my soul inside you.
We are lucky to have each other body, and truly, from the bottom of the heart that is inside you, I love you - for everything you have been, everything you can be, and for what we are together."

Submitted by Stephanie Coiro, Centereach NY

This time, it is war.

Yes I owe Chicago photos and more BUT let’s go for a nice Monday update shall we?

Last week I was in the ER for more stomach pains. This marks the 4^th time I have been sick in a month, meaning off to the ER we go. After 9 hours, an IV and an uninterested doctor I left with a script for Vicodin and a pounding headache.

Yes, I went in with stomach pains and a detailed history of when I have gotten sick this month, what was going on with me biologically, the tests I have already gone through, how the pain was, what was a result of this pain, etcetera etcetera. What did the doctor do? Poke at me, told me I may have Fibromyalgia (was he listening at all?!) told me to drink a gallon of contrast (nope, didn’t finish it) order a CT Scan just to write me a script for a heavy pain killer and send me on my way.

Excusemewhat?!

What just happened? Is that why we have such a prescription drug problem here on Long Island? It is THAT easy to get the hard stuff? Go into the ER with a tummy ache? Get real!

I sat there carefully explaining that I just underwent thyroid testing but my level 17 hydroxyprogestrerone  levels were off and I was ordered an additional blood test. Also my nausea and stomach issues seemed to be happening with my cycle every two weeks (start of period, ovulation, end of period, you get it) and that seemed odd. My thyroid was clean from tests so my level 17 might be my ovaries and maybe the two occurrences are linked and my body is trying to tell me something.

‘It sounds like it could be skeletal’

‘Doctor I just told you about all of these things that are happening with me, do you think the two could be linked’

‘Oh yes you said something about your thyroid, is it hypothyroid? Because your stretch marks indicate a massive weight gain’

‘No Doctor, like I just explained I have gone for thyroid testing –‘

‘And you have an underactive thyroid?’

‘No, everything came back clean –‘

‘Ok so it may be you muscles, I may or may not order a CT get some rest while you wait’

And off he went.

This is the truth. My husband sat in awe over the fact that an ER Doctor just dismissed my claims. Now he knows how us girls are not taken seriously.

I have a very high pain tolerance and the pains I was feeling last Tuesday night were extreme. They hurt like nothing I have felt before. I was doubled over and couldn’t breathe.

So I got no answers, just a script for a painkiller I have no desire to take.

I ripped the script up in front of the Doctor. Told him that it didn’t answer anything, just masked my issues more. He just shrugged and left the room.

8 hours in pain, no answers. I’ve had it with healthcare.

What I do know is this: 3 specialists are being called as soon as I am done typing this. From there 3 appointments will be made. I am getting myself some answers.

Also – I have decided that hi, I’m Stephanie, I am overweight and effing sick of it. My weight it most likely my #1 reason for most of my issues right now. I bought ‘This is Why You’re Fat’ by Jackie Warner and finally cracked it open.

EUREKA!

This trainer, not a Doctor but a trainer is giving me answers. This food, affects this hormone, which burns this fat, which can be elevated by this exercise. Answers. This little book is giving me big answers. Answers I asked during weight watchers, answers I asked on OA forums, answers I knew I could Google but I ate cake instead. Finally someone is talking to me like I am worth the hard work and not a failure because I love junk food. The plan is normal, and doable, and involves variety and realistic expectations and I am SO READY TO KICK ASS.

I have never felt like this before. The ER visit was a major wake-up call:

“Stephanie, nobody is going to help you until you help yourself. “

It’s on.

>>FF

Top of the morning Bloggerverse!

Here I am 23 and sick as a dog. Yes, our vacation to Chicago was cut even shorter by my horrendous stomach bug coming back with a vengeance on our last day of visiting the Windy City. I was sick through my birthday, yesterday, and even today. I hate it. Everything smells and tastes weird when you are sick. I will do a post about Chicago and our apartment painting (YES WE ARE FINALLY PAINTING) later this week.

I think the worst part of being stomach sick is the constant ‘So you’re pregnant?’ that comes from everybody. I kindly told everyone to stop asking me while I go through this whole blood testing drama. But does anyone listen? Nope. It makes me want to break into a zillion pieces every time I see that smirk, that ‘You’ve been sick a lot lately…you sure you’re not expecting?’

Yes, I am pretty damn sure. The last time I was puking I was also ending my period (by the way, WORST). The sickest joke of it all was over this vacation I was supposed to be ovulating – so it would have been a good try – and BOOM illness. Maybe it is a sign there is something wrong – who knows, everything happens for a reason I guess.

This warm winter killed no germs, so my already weak immune system is just gobbling up every illness it can contain to make me sicker. I don’t appreciate it one bit and hope it stops.

The one thing I will take away from this is I haven’t eaten barely anything in the past few days. My ‘This is Why You’re Fat’ by Jackie Warner came in and I am going to break it open today. I am really resisting for some reason. I am clinging to an unhealthy lifestyle because it tastes good. But why else? I am having all of these issues and I want to change myself for the better but I see the healthy recipes and I scoff. I need to change my attitude and fast. I am 89% ready but I know I need that 11% to actually be successful. I think once I am no longer weak I am going to start light exercise. I know if I am doing the work, I am going to want to follow it with being healthy to see results.

I will keep you all posted.

Another successful decision I have made would be what to do with my birthday money. I got some cash, and I was planning on going to Sephora and buying more pretty make-up but I decided to stash it in my jewelry box. Save it. I really want this certain couch from Macy’s. I don’t know why, I just really like it. If I save my birthday cash and if I make any money from my Stella & Dot parties this month I could maybe get that couch by April. I really hope so. I really need to book some trunk shows – hopefully that happens this weekend.

I also made a distinct effort to let certain things roll off of my shoulders lately. It has been a rough battle for me, but I have decided people only hurt you when you let them. If they know they are hurting you and they continue to be hurtful why bother? They truly have no care for you or your feelings so forget it. I do care too much – but I have decided it just is not worth my effort anymore. I also wanted to dig up the past recently – like almost 5 years’ worth of past now by writing a few e-mails. I know those words fall on blind eyes though. So maybe I am finally letting something go. It has been a while.

But, getting into that will also dig up blogging past (livejournal, meet wordpress). I don’t want to backtrack – only forward walking happens from here.

Look for my cute entries with pictures this week (not many photos of me, since well, I was sick). But the apartment is shaping up to be super cute – I think I will document my Stella & Dot launch on Friday too. Watch out, you’re going to get a big dose of Stephanie soon!     

11 Random Things!

I was so pumped last night to see the little blue birdie at the top on my Blackberry telling me that I was in a Twitter mention from Corinne and that it was a post like this! My history with Corinne is so funny, she was friends with my husband in high school and when my 14 year old self was a Livejournal addict I followed her and ever since we have been connected via internet & blogs. Because I am newer to the current Blog scene I am going to extend the rules to Facebook so I can tag more friends! But anyway here we go!

There are five rules:

1. Post these rules.

2. Post a photo of yourself and 11 random things.

3. Answer the questions set for you in the original post.

4. Create 11 new questions and tag people to answer them

5. Go to their blog/twitter/facebook and tell them you've tagged them.

11 random things:

01. That photo was taken in Salem Mass. where we have gone for Halloween two years in a row now. It is so fun, and I love it there. I sometimes wish we could move to the town in New Hampshire that we stay in when we go. It is 20min to Salem and 30min to Boston and a cute relaxed town. We are tied to Long Island forever (or for at least 30 years) with Steev’s job on the LIRR but I can’t complain because that is a great job and I am so blessed.   

02. I’m 5’5. Most people think I am taller while some people (especially ones that I work with) realize my average height when I cannot reach the top shelf of some places. I like being 5’5, but when I was younger every doctor I ever went to said to my parents ‘She will most likely hit 6’0’ and then I just stopped growing. I am the shortest one out of my family of four. 

03. I get bored very easily. I don’t know what it is about me, but hobby and career wise I just get antsy. I can commit in a relationship (obviously, been married since 14) but I cannot commit to a hairstyle or lifestyle. I am stubborn as all hell but I am constantly changing my life goals as the wind blows. I must say though - the experience I have gained through these ventures is unbelievable and I would not take it back at all. At least I am going in some direction and not just sitting around trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, I am going for anything that sparks my interest full force - I mean why not?

04. Every day I think about enrolling in some grad school classes. I wouldn’t go full time - maybe a class or two a semester. I think about it just for me, so I can say ‘I have a Master’s Degree’ but I am enjoying my break from school work. Maybe when I have kids and they start going to school I will enroll again in the Events Off Season - who knows - we shall see. 

05. My ultimate goal with Create New Occasions (my event planning business) is to open a bridal boutique that I will name after my future daughters (if I have any). I want to carry beautiful affordable gowns that fit indie brides to princess brides and I will have the most killer accessories. As much as I hate the retail world, I want this so bad for some reason. A design studio upstairs for event planning, a boutique downstairs. I want it as my business and I am really excited about making it happen. 

06. I handle rejection horribly. Which is the reason I don’t sing in public anymore and quit acting. I really have a need to be appreciated and accepted, and I shut myself out of circles that I feel even a twinge of rejection from - it is just the way I have always been. 

07. I love animals and could never live without a pet. My dog Annie is the greatest. She is like a person. She sits on the couch and watches TV, always wants to go for a ride in the car, greets us with a huge yawn that sounds like hello. Wants to eat at the table (I’m not kidding) and sleeps on her back on our bed. I love her so much, pets just complete a family. Right now Annie is freaking out that I am not sitting with her on the couch like I do every morning. She is so confused!

08. I have been blogging since 14 and have had so many personal URLs it is ridiculous. It all started with Xanga and then I was on Livejournal from 8th grade-Freshman Year of College. I got suspended about 6 times from Livejournal for ‘spamming’ for Rating Communities (I can’t handle rejection but would submit my awkward teenage self to the worst ridicule ever on the internet, pre Formspring and anon Tumblr attacks). I posted a ton of photos plus surveys to boot and would post shitty things that would start catty fights in my group of friends. I honestly hate that part of my formal self. My group of friends in high school, we had a lot of great times but we didn’t treat each other well at all. Now I don’t speak to any of them, and it killed me that only 2 were at my wedding - but I have reached out in the past. Everything happens for a reason, but I just wish this happened differently. 

09. I am the heaviest I have ever been and I am pretty ashamed of myself. I understand that it could be something medical (as I have been posting about) but nonetheless when I get home from Chicago I am making huge changes in my diet and lifestyle. It has to change. To be 22 (almost 23) and this unhealthy was never in my cards. 

10. When I was in High School I had a specific map for myself as to where I was going to walk to my locker (I would loop around the whole school) just so I can listen to at least 3 uninterrupted songs on my iPod, or Discman or whatever I had to listen to. Without that I would have no backbone for high school. Walking past all of those people every day still plagues me. I realize I had very little friends. I sometimes wish I got to know more people, but then I grow resentful - they also did not try to get to know me. There is this one time I wore a 1940’s inspired tan suit with a brown fedora to school. Freshman year of high school. I was excited, I loved it and I remember a specific girl as I walked past her scream to her friends ‘ARE YOU SERIOUS? WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER AND WHAT IS SHE WEARING? MY MOTHER WOULD NEVER EVEN WEAR THAT! ISN’T SHE EMBARRASSED? WELL I AM THAT I HAVE TO LOOK AT HER - I SERIOUSLY HOPE EVERY DAY SHE JUST STOPS SHOWING UP TO SCHOOL, THAT WOULD MAKE ME SO HAPPY IF SHE DIDN’T EXIST” This girl most likely doesn’t remember it at all. She thought I had walked away but once I heard her yelling I stayed around the corner. I was so hurt that someone that did not know me at all wished I didn’t exist. Hey kids - it does get better I promise. 

11. Going along with that - I am not myself unless I am dressed the way I want to dress. I have always been into fashion risks - like statement bags or jewelry, purple lipstick (which I loved for this Winter), lip transfer tattoos, fascinators on my head, you name it. I always just had a knack for doing something slightly different, and I am not ashamed of that at all. 

11 Questions from Corinne:

1. What's your desert island album? I am a lover of music, honestly. But this is a no brainer for me. River of Dreams by Billy Joel. I know it sounds cliche because I am from Long Island but hear me out. This album got me through so much growing up, and River of Dreams is my favorite song of all time. I could not live without this record, it is a part of me. 

2. If you could bring life to any fictional character and spend a day with them, who would you choose? Duh, Holden Caulfield. I am madly in love with this boy (Steev’s personality is slightly Holdenesque) and I would want to hang out with him and just hear him speak. I plan on naming my first son after him. If he was busy being Holden I would want to talk to Caddy Compson from The Sound and the Fury and get her side to the whole damn mess. 

3. Describe your perfect day off: Days off for me are enjoyed with my plans. I know I am one of those that yearn for days like this: I stay in bed until about noon, not sleeping but reading, watching TV, on the laptop doing work. I get dressed and take my dog for a nice long walk. Then I get home, shower, don’t bother with my hair or make-up and hang around the house working on personal projects like my scrapbooks, blogging, journaling, painting, anything recreational. Then I’d cook dinner for when Steev gets home (I also, like to be alone sometimes) and we would have a nice night in. There - perfect boring day. While I do love going into the city, exploring the island, antiquing...I also love being able to have a ‘nothing’ day. 

4. What is your favorite thing that you've made with your own two hands? This is tough but I would say my Wedding Album. I am not finished - I am actually going to start working on part 2 when I get home from my vacation, and the first one I finished before fixing a lot of the photos (don’t ask). But I am really proud to say I have made this special keepsake for us. The albums that are made out there are beautiful, and if we had a better photographer I might have considered one - but I am so proud to say ‘I made this’ and giving an album to my in-laws and soon my parents just made me so proud, like ‘I did this for you, thank you for everything, here are some beautiful memories’. 

5. Tell me your standard coffee or tea order: This is seasonal: Spring into Summer: Venti Iced Soy Cinnamon Dolce Latte no whip Fall: Venti Hot Pumkin Spice Latte with whip Winter: Venti Hot Gingerbread Latte with whip, into Venti Hot Soy Cinnamon Dolce Latte 

6. Tell me about the toppings on the pizza of your dreams: I am so boring when it comes to pizza. I like extra sauce and extra cheese - that’s it!

7. Which nationalities are you comprised of? I am a Grade A American Mutt! Yes sir! I am: Irish, Scottish, English, Russian, French, Dutch, With hints of Spanish and African (yes, there is rooting in my mom’s gums that are found genetically in African American’s which leads me to believe we are a little bit of everything) German and I think that is all. I am really proud of this - I normally just answer ‘American’ because my family got around. My dream is to have a gay son who adopts multicultural children with his husband so my legacy leads on as a beautiful patchwork of everything diverse. Who knows, we may even adopt if it came down to it, you never know! 

8. What kind of sheets do you have on your bed right now? 500 thread count ivory Martha Stuart sheets from Macy’s. 

9. Favorite band? Will forever be The Cure

1. Do you have any tattoos or piercings? ‘Life is Beautiful’ is written across my feet and I have two swallows holding thistles on my calf. I have my ears pierced and I had my nose pierced for two years and then I took it out about 2 weeks ago. Over it. I miss it sometimes, but it is all good. I am more of a tattoo person. 

11. What is your favorite season and your favorite thing about that season?: Spring. I hate how short it is but spring is new life. Everything that died in the winter comes back in Spring because Persephone comes back to see all things beautiful (if you understand that reference I applaud you). I just love it, I love how cold becomes warm, brown becomes green, flowers shyly stretch from their long slumber. Spring is just perfection to me, it truly signifies a fresh start. 

Questions for you:

1. What is you favorite physical feature about yourself?

2. What is you favorite characteristic about yourself?

3. What is your favorite curse word?

4. What is the worst dream you ever had? 

5. Describe a perfect date:

6. What is something on your bucket list? 

7. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?

8. What is the best gift you ever gotten?

9. What is something you secretly hope for? 

10. What does your dream home look like? 

11. If you could say 'I'm Sorry' to one person right now, who would it be? 

Tag you're it! Felicia, Kenny, Marianne, Chelsie, Becca, Max, Alyssa, Katie & my two blog followers besides Corinne Michelle & Katrina! :) If you don't have a blog post it as a note on Facebook!