It took me a while to get to this post, a lot has happened over the past two months to set me into some sort of tailspin that for the first time made me bedridden for a few days. The problem is I was not sick, my depression was kicked into overdrive and I let it consume me to the point that my head felt like a lead balloon and my body felt like engine sludge. I was at a point so low I barely can describe what I was even thinking about.
My Director of Marketing gig ended, under circumstances that I’d rather not display, but circumstances that put me in a place I have never been before. There I lay, unemployed, and for the first time having no plan. I had no plan, nowhere to even look, and looking at myself hurt. I failed myself. There are so many details that daunted me, and I was drained, dormant and dumbfounded that after 4 years of college I had no clue what I wanted to do with myself.
Upon further examination, I looked into my past aspirations. I sent an e-mail to myself from 'dear future me' a year after I graduated from college from a week before graduation. I told myself that the reason why I wasn't a teacher was because there was so much I wanted to experience, so many places I wanted to work and see and maybe make something of myself out of something totally unexpected. I told myself not to be afraid, and that it will work itself out - and even if I was working a crappy job to keep writing, keep creating, keep being. I broke down. I totally turned my back on myself all because of a series of unfortunate events that led me to a place I saw as a big break, only to find out it would be a big break-up.
You see, with me, my heart is broken by life more than it is by love. My husband has been by my side for 10 years, and for the first time he did not even know how to be there for me. No matter what life threw at me I'd find a silver lining, keep going, and shake it out. This one flattened me like nothing ever had before. The Titanic sunk, Jack was dead, Rose was heartbroken and I was to blame for not anticipating the iceberg fully.
After a week I started to stretch every morning, since my neck stopped turning and I had enough of myself. I starting pacing, hooping, staring, still nothing productive.
Blank. Vacant. Bare. Vapid.
It was an even plain. Nothing to see, just streamlined space as far as I could see. No breeze, no sign of life or productivity. I was stuck.
I do not know when this will end. At every turn, I have something else to beat myself up over - like the fact I haven’t taken nearly the amount of weight I wanted to take off this year. Or the fact I did not read as much as I wanted, and I never finished a single damn short story in my series of Moleskins. The more I thought about this year the more devastated I became. The route I always took to get myself out before isn’t working. I can’t get out of bed before 10am. I start a Zumba tape and stop halfway through because I get so angry with myself. These self inflicted injuries are piling up and I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror.
I guess writing this is my first step to moving on. I guess it is also coincidence that the new year is approaching. 2013 has to be different for me. I don’t always have the best look on odd years, but on odd years I turn an even number - and maybe that will be a great thing. Come March I will be 24 and it will be my last year of my ‘early twenties’. Is this the first time I reveled my true age? Not just ‘twenty something’? Is every twenty something in this same haze of ‘What on Earth Am I Doing With Myself’? Or am I just the only fuck up?
I am sorry this entry isn’t going anywhere - it represents how I feel about where I am and what is going on for me. It seriously is a crossroads in my life, and thank you to everyone who is reading this - I have been brainstorming for you bloggy blog and honestly I think it may be time for me to become more of a regular writer on here. I seriously enjoyed writing about Jack White and my Aunt Mary. I will be purchasing photoshop in the near future and this Christmas I am getting a new camera and I will start exploring, sharing and becoming more confident on the ground my feet are standing upon. I think 2013 may be the first year that I will be completely open to the new things presented to me - because well, I don’t have much to stand in my way.